Frustrated to Fulfilled...with your horse's progress. Gifts of gratitude and grace.

Have you ever felt impatient with the progress your horse is making or rather the lack of it? I mean who hasn’t felt this way at one point or another?

Despite our very best efforts to do all the things right in our relationship with our horses and to stay positive and be grateful for what is going well, we sometimes find ourselves mourning our never-ending attempts to do things with our horses that seem like they “should” be simple.

Even though we love and appreciate every minute we spend with our horses, it can be easy to fall in the trap of “why can’t we…” and end up in a puddle of disappointment questioning our own abilities and our horse’s potential.  If you feel this way at times, it doesn’t mean that you or your horse are broken. I PROMISE. This is NORMAL. (We know it’s not a fun place to be and empathize with you, you’re not alone.) 

Fortunately, there is a way we can choose to have a different experience when facing this situation.

Interested in one-on-one guidance? Check out our online coaching or group coaching/course and community options or contact Melissa directly at [email protected]

If you’re wondering, how, keep reading for the CHC Style solution. And you may want to grab a pencil and paper as we’ve had feedback that the activity below can be life changing IF you do the exercise, of course. 

Seriously, taking the time to fully engage in the following could save you years of struggle and disappointment. And, since we’re fans of having our horses engage with us, it’s not a big jump to do so ourselves.

First:

Let’s ask why we have these EXPECTATIONS about what we “should” be able to do with our horses OR what they should be able to do for us. 

1. Culture – success accomplishment, recognition.
2. It's natural – to desire the approval of others and avoid the possibility of being criticized and ostracized by them.
3. We compare ourselves to standards that may not embody our values and that don’t really resonate with the spirit of compassion and understanding that we have for our horses. 
4. Marketing – plain and simple-marketing is meant to hit our pain points and can makes us feel substandard to get us to spend $$$ on a “quick fix” often leaving us feeling disappointed and dissatisfied with what we have - no matter how wonderful it really is. 
5. Adrenaline rush - we all like endorphins and less face it, dopamine and other feel-good hits come from physical exertion like riding and from what the world conditions us to consider “accomplishment and success.”
6. Plain ol’ enjoyment

– and there’s nothing wrong with any of this, of course. After all, we are mere mortals. 

BUT…what can we do about having natural human feelings while having an equestrian experience with a horse we love?

We can ask, how does my horse feel about each of these things we humans often think they “should” be able to do, accomplish etc.? 

Second, we can remember that Horses…

1. Have NO knowledge or comprehension of the human experience. 
2. Live in the moment
3. Are Honest - horses never lie, this is what we love about them so much, but they can mask their feelings and we can miss what they are trying to communicate too. 
4. Will often submit to the will of humans even when it makes them miserable to avoid conflict because they are such a non-confrontational, non-violent species. 

And it’s important to keep in mind that…

• If we are listening with our hearts and understand how to interpret their communication and body language, they are usually clear about what they feel in response to our requests and in their attempts to do what we think they “should” do. 
• If we are unsure if we are interpreting their behavior correctly and consistently, it can be helpful to consider, “how do I think my horse feels about what I am asking them to do/be and how’s it working for you and/or your horse?” Seeking professional guidance can be helpful too.

 Third, we can ask what is most important to us – relationship or achievement? 

1. Hmmm… this one is so important to answer from our own heart’s authentic truth. No cheating or responding with what we think we “should” say. (We are wired to seek dopamine/achievement, and this is our opportunity to reframe and reconsider what we consider significant achievement and success – could be helpful to take a moment to do that now before moving on.
2. Most of us are going to say relationship and my guess is its 100 percent true as far as we realize, but we are all human and sometimes our emotions take over. We forget that our emotions can drive our thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

 Actions speak louder than words – always.

Fortunately, though we often forget, we have the capability to CHOOSE our thoughts and therefore how we want to FEEL about our horses, responses, progress, etc. And we can take advantage of that ability by choosing thoughts and feelings that SERVE us and our horses rather than ones that bring us down, allow us to become emotionally entangled and interfere with our ability to feel a lighthearted connection with them. 

Fourth, how can we see what is going well with our horses, even when some things are taking longer than we think it “SHOULD” or going differently than we expected or had hoped?

We can choose positive thoughts and truths that will allow us to FEEL differently…

There’s more, for those of you who are all in, are you ready?  (Keep in mind internal shifts can feel funny/uncomfortable even if they are positive, because our brains are wired to resist change!)

Interested in one-on-one guidance? Check out our online coaching or group coaching/course and community options or contact Melissa directly at [email protected]

Here is a Transformational Activity for Heartfelt Connection and Gratitude (It’s much more powerful if done in handwriting on paper than in our heads, BTW)

1. Make a list of all the things you love about your horse
2. Make a list of all the times your horse has filled in for you
3. Make a list of all the things that are going well 
4. Consider how you’d feel about your aspirations to accomplish things that your horse may not want to do, if (and I hope it never happens) your horse was ill and at risk of dying?
• How would that change your outlook?
• How important would the list of things you are currently dissatisfied with be then???
• My guess is that none of us would even care about our bucket list for our horses, if we found ourselves at risk of losing them. We’d just want them happy and healthy in the face of that. But it’s so easy to become disillusioned when things are going well and forget that love, acceptance and appreciation of what is are some of the most important qualities in all relationships.

You may be feeling a shift by now and or perhaps you’re thinking, now what?  (Either way, we recommend continuing to do this exercise several days in a row.)

“Creating an awareness of our expectations and our appreciation for what currently exists are huge keys to having a fulfilling equestrian experience.”

Once you’ve been able to reframe your thoughts and dissolve any current frustration and have an idea of how to dissolve any disappointment that you may encounter in the future at times when our horsey dreams are yet to be realized, based on your horses' expressions and behaviors you might ask:

1. If my horse could talk - what kinds of things do I think they would say they enjoy doing with me? (I know it sounds like anthropomorphizing but bear with me here for the sake of the exercise. This won’t be hard if you know your horse well.)
2. Or what do I think they enjoy doing on their own time alone or with friends and which friends in what places? 
3. And then make a list of compatible activities – ones you both are likely to enjoy based on the lists above (no matter how simple or small) - that you can move towards at a rate that is truly comfortable for your horse
   • the horse gets to decide what their comfy (meaning without fear or concern) doing
   • and you get to decide what you are comfy doing too, BTW
   • remember, you get to choose thoughts that will allow you to enjoy whatever you decide to do with your horse and leave thoughts of "less than, or this isn't enough" behind 

     what their comfy (meaning without fear or concern) doing

4. Then, I encourage you to:

• Take the next smallest step in that direction, rewarding what you want to see more of and doing things that are reinforcing for both of you.
• Make sure to choose an activity that you and your horse can be assured of succeeding in, with practically zero risk of failure. Then, I encourage you to:

How do you know that the session with your horse has been successful for you both? 

• You will know if every interaction with your horse is obviously fostering trust and relationship. 
• You can see in their face, eyes and countenance if they are engaged, unafraid or unconcerned, exuberant and even joyful (check out our online courses and coaching to advance your understanding in this area.) 
• You are feeling satisfied with their slightest try or effort to understands what you are asking.

Congratulations on a stellar start! 

 You’re on the way to continuing a transformation that can keep your frustration at a minimum and lead us to even more fulfilling relationships with our horses!

 All that is needed now is to just repeat this process with patience, gratitude and humility, choosing the next step that will propel your horses understanding towards what you intend/your goal, raising the criteria ever so slightly over and over again as each small is accomplished with ease.

CELEBRATE EACH STEP no matter how small and you will find a new way to feel differently – acknowledging, appreciating and even ENJOYING the process with your horse, no matter what you are working towards or how it might turn out in any given moment.

 In this way, both you and your horse will be positively reinforced. And remember, what is felt to be reinforcing will be repeated by horses and humans alike!

We are here for you, and we’d love to hear about your experiences and know your thoughts about this subject/blog. Feel free to email Melissa at the address below.

Wishing you many magical moments with your horse,

Melissa

Interested in one-on-one guidance? Check out our online coaching or group coaching/course and community options or contact Melissa directly at [email protected]